This has been a really rough week for Todd and I. I think most of that is my fault, but I really am not trying to ruin our marriage, it is just a side effect of having little to no control over my thoughts and emotions.
I had a really hard time coping with him being gone over the 4th of July holiday weekend. I don’t think that is because of some co-dependant issue or any thing that superficial, I really do think that I lack the coping skills to handle life without him.
That is almost too much to even think about, but if I am going to try to sort myself out, I have to be blunt and brutally honest with myself and the people who matter the most to me. I don’t think that this will work any other way.
Thinking back, I can’t remember a time in my life where I have felt that I had the coping skills to handle just about anything. My dad used to call me the “stress monster” as a little kid… I think that was just the beginning of figuring out why I am the way I am. I have always felt out of control and overwhelmed, even when I was able to succeed and cope.
I guess it would help to explain, bluntly, what I am going through. About six months ago I had a little bit of a break down where I realized that I could not keep sinking in the stress and life I had created for myself. I felt so confused and alone that I decided to see my doctor because this problem had gotten so big that I didn’t think I could handle it on my own. My doctor and I have yet to come to a determination of what is “wrong” with me, but the choices floating out there are these:
generalized anxiety disorder
obsessive compulsive disorder
acute panic disorder
manic depressive disorder
and for good measure… just plain old crazy
I don’t think that I can handle many more months of different medication cocktails trying to figure this out.
My rope seems to be ending, but I am trying to stay the course and work this out.
lc
